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As Russ Sees It

Apr 03, 2017 02:46PM ● By Russ Carroll


By Russell Carroll

Warning:  This article may cause drowsiness and nausea. Do not read this article while operating heaving machinery. If you read this article for more than four hours, seek medical attention. This article has been known to cause laughter in certain individuals.

Maybe it’s just my twisted sense of humor and thought process, but some warning labels and disclaimers are downright funny. Let me share a few of my favorites:

On a Razor scooter there is a label that reads: “This product moves when used.” No kidding. Does someone buy a Razor scooter and expect it not to move?

On a sink clog remover it reads: “If you don’t understand these directions or cannot read, do not use this product.” Well, your Honor, I cannot read, so I didn’t understand the directions.

On a bottle of dog pills from the vet it reads: “Do not drive a car while using this medication.” There goes my ride home.

On a cigarette lighter it reads: “Caution, contents are flammable.” There’s a shocker. Maybe it’s safer to rub two sticks together?

One of my favorites is a chain saw warning label that reads: “Do not hold the wrong end of the chainsaw.” Wow…. I have no comment.

A shower scrub brush reads: “Do not use for personal hygiene.” Okay, never crossed my mind, but thanks for the heads up.

A vending machine label reads: “Do not rock or tilt this machine. This machine will not dispense free items.” Well, I don’t want anything free, I just want my Doritos that are stuck and won’t fall. I am rocking this thing. I want my bag of chips.

Apple’s website states: “Do not eat iPod shuffle.” “I’ve Got the Music in Me” is stuck in my head.

On the back of a lottery ticket there is this statement: “Do not iron.” No wonder I haven’t won.

A rub-on flea medication warns: “May cause diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, and could cause death.” Shoot, I was just trying to kill fleas, not my pet.

A curling iron warns: “For external use only.” I don’t even know what to say here.

I have to say my all-time favorite is from a major pharmaceutical company whose in-box directions for a rectal thermometer reads: “ Every rectal thermometer is personally tested and then sanitized.” Wow, so for all of us that wake up hating our jobs, this may make us feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad after all. But…that’s just how I see it.