As Russ Sees It, By Russ Carroll
Aug 29, 2016 01:43PM
● By Elena Hutslar
Recently, a woman shot her fiancé in the neck with a flaming arrow. Now, this could easily be the secret dream of many a married woman, however, this little gem took place on national television on the popular TV show, America’s Got Talent. The woman was supposed to shoot a flaming arrow into a bugle shaped tube her fiancé held in his mouth. Well, she missed and shot him right in the neck. Although I let out a bit of a groan when I watched it on YouTube, I was also thinking, “That was awesome!”
So, after shooting her soon-to-be-husband in the neck with a flaming arrow, what do you think that car ride home was like? I imagine there was a fair amount of silence, followed by apologies and possibly false claims of understanding. Perhaps he broke the silence with a robust, “Are you kidding me? You shot me in the neck!” (By the way, in multiple rehearsals, the woman had never missed that shot.) Now I am wondering if the guy is thinking, “Did she do that on purpose? Did she wait until we were on national TV to humiliate me? None of my past girlfriends ever shot me in the neck with a flaming arrow. Perhaps we should eliminate this portion of our act. Or, perhaps we can switch it up and I can shoot the arrow at her. Or, perhaps, I should call off the wedding. The potential finale that we have been discussing where she shoots a gun at me and I catch the bullet with my teeth is a definite no go. I’m glad we eliminated the knife throwing option.” Now, I am sure that this was just an accident, but if I were him, I would sleep with one eye open and stay away from any beverage she prepares that she doesn’t drink.
This leads me to her thoughts. How bad must she feel? I mean, one way or another she had to be feeling a bit guilty. If it truly was an accident she must be thinking, “God, I’m so sorry. I’ve never missed that shot. Maybe the nature of the big event cracked my concentration.” Now, if this mishap was her goal, she’s thinking, “Well, you blew your big chance there. I had him right where I wanted him, on his knees with that stupid bugle tube in his mouth, looking like an overweight Christmas ornament, and I blew it. Odds are I will never have that chance again. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Maybe a poisoned Moscow Mule will do the trick.”
I’m certain it was just an unfortunate accident that contained no malice. Regardless, it was great theatre. I am sure all the happily married readers out there thought, “Oh my, I hope this doesn’t have any negative impact on their future.” For anyone out there that may not be quite so happy, your thoughts might be a tad different. Guys, if you are wondering where you fit into this picture at home, you might want to question that skydiving trip she has planned or that trip to the alligator farm. Any letters addressed to your wife from Lorena Bobbitt should be steamed open. Marriage is hard enough without your spouse getting any ideas from a silly TV show. But….that’s just how I see it.
Russ can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.